Ugh

I've got nothing. http://jezebel.com/5234548/one-year-later-rape-kits-still-not-being-tested-in-la-elsewhere The whole thing makes me sad, feels bleak. A woman (or man) has to endure the humiliating collection process only to have it thrown aside... Why bother letting someone comb your pubic hair, clean under your nails, photograph details of your body, swab your vagina, diagram your genital lacerations in detail, and watch you as you undress over a giant piece of paper that will eventually be folded neatly and shoved into a sealed box which will quickly get thrown aside as proof that your bravery and endurance were just as invaluable as your body? Why bother at all? NY apparently went into action four years ago (three years before the stockpiling of unprocessed rape kits was found in LA last year,many held beyond the statute of limitations) and has managed to solve 2,000 rape cases since then, which took money, workers and time, but was surely worth it for the women who had some resolution. It makes me sort of proud of our stupid city... sort of.

This is a bee. This is a bee on drugs. Any questions?

http://www.newyorker.com/humor/2009/05/04/090504sh_shouts_baumbach

This is bizarrely touching

And also amazing. www.tweenbots.com/ (Thanks, Jess!) Like the WALL-E of NYC. I love that not once has a Tweenbot been harmed and that people actually stop to send it on its way safely. How did this person think of this? How genuinely touching is this concept? I miss WALL-E...

Meet my friend, Goudacris

Food'lebrities. Funny. Why not? http://foodlebrities.com/

"You shut your stupid mouth"

Golriz has made my day. Seriously. Greatest idea for a website ever. Excellent find. http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/ Example 1: (301): Bea Arthur died yesterday (240): You shut your stupid mouth (301): Betty White is next, I just know it. (240): Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next. Example 2: (805): Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me. Example 3: (973): oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick

Who knew?

I mean, Iowa is awesome. Mostly because Allen lives there. Also because I like corn and other crops. Also, the gays finally get to "do it" in god's name or something. No more cohabitating in sin... But who knew it was such a progressive state? Certainly not me. Check it out: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/26/us/26iowa.html?_r=2&pagewanted=1&partner=rss&emc=rss They certainly have kicked the Supreme Court's ass in the whole "be nice to people" game... In 1839, the Supreme Court for what was then the territory of Iowa refused to recognize a slave as a possession, years before the United States Supreme Court would rule in an opposite fashion, against Dred Scott. In 1868 and 1873, the court issued rulings favoring desegregating schools and public accommodations, almost a century before the United States Supreme Court heard Brown v. Board of Education. Iowa was the first state, in 1869, to permit women to practice law. Outlawing segregated schools a CENTURY before Brown v. Board of Education. Wow. (Sort of unrelated... this is an interesting map about desegregation) Anyway, Iowa, you're awesome. I don't care if percentage-wise your people don't favor gay marriage, I love that as a whole you don't give a shit what people do on their own time. Good work.

In Memoriam

Bea Arthur, you're the best! Also, read this: http://jezebel.com/5228583/the-internet-celebrates-the-feminist-legacy-of-bea-arthur

Hello happy news!

Their finances may be falling apart, but check out how awesomely progressive Iceland is: http://jezebel.com/5228639/iceland-elects-worlds-first-openly-gay-prime-minister

This woman amazes me

This picture is in the middle of an entire series of words and pictures about a trip to the Supreme Court. http://kalman.blogs.nytimes.com/ She always makes me tear up a little. That's a good thing. Her art is beautiful, and her words are lovely. The two together are unbelievable.

I can't WAIT to go back to school

From Overheard in NY: Professor: I'm of the personal opinion that anything counts for art. Take, for example, Nelly's "Hot in Here." We have an admonition of certain weather conditions and an entreaty for certain members of a demographic to react within a certain way, and a compliant voice replies, "I am getting so hot, I'm gonna take my clothes off." This piece of art demonstrates how much easier life would be if getting a woman naked was that easy. And also, it makes me dance, and as we know, hips don't lie. --NYU Bobst Library Overheard by: queenofscots

Twilight: With Cheeseburgers

Twilight...with Cheeseburgers - watch more funny videos

Bathroom Grafitti

This is fun. Yay. http://listoftheday.blogspot.com/2009/04/bathroom-wall-graffiti-of-day.html

Umm, yeah

This happened.

Special Feature:

Thanks to Matt's genius interpretation of my shitty photo, he is embarking on a new career involving the Paint application. This is clearly going to turn out well for him. Here are some more pieces from his portfolio: These are both clear evidence that his skills and his artistic eye are continuing to develop. I'm pretty sure he is on his way to success. That said, I am looking for submissions. If you or someone you know has a photo of yourself (preferably unflattering) that you would like to be given the monster treatment, please email it to me at hannahgold@gmail.com. Matt will take care of it from there. Thank you for your time.

Dear Reader,

I am not photogenic. That is a fact. Also a fact: Jenny is an asshole for posting horrible pics of me. Another fact: My friends are both funny and mean. Evidence: See below.

Theme day!

Today is Funny or Die day. Another video for your viewing pleasure:

Lindsay Lohan's eHarmony Profile from Lindsay Lohan

Also,

An old video, just because it is funny and worth watching again.

"Prop 8 - The Musical" starring Jack Black, John C. Reilly, and many more... from Jack Black

Howdy, fuckers!

I've returned from Texas with a few creepy bug bites and much dehydration. All is well. After a lesbo weekend, here is a video about the gays for you:

A Gaythering Storm from Jane Lynch

Uh-oh

Bad news, for mini golf. But perfect for building an atmosphere fitting for the Twilight phenomenon.

Sexual innuendo is a beautiful, beautiful thing

Rachel Maddow on teabagging...

They have medication for that, you know

From PostRejects

I know, I know

Enough with this N.A.S.A. shit... but I just got the album (thanks, Shawn!) and this video and song are amazing. Enjoy.

Dear Kanye,

I was just talking about your douchebaggery yesterday, way to be on top of shit. http://gawker.com/5205744/kanye-west-forsakes-the-douche-life Love, Hannah

Good people doing good things, that may just happen to be illegal.

Sara sent me this. It is horribly sad, but inspiring and also strangely uplifiting in its utterly logical, grass roots, people helping and accepting other people kind of way. Why is there not more going on like this? Leaving houses empty when there are so many healthy, hard-working people in need of homes is just obscene. http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/10/us/10squatter.html?pagewanted=1&_r=2&hp

Want to make out?

Jesus, how awesome is this woman? I love that she actually does shit with her time. Real people things. That involve worms. And rosemary. And inner city children. God, I love rosemary...

Whoah!

How did this happen? Go Fug Yourself

ahahaha

Hello cutest bathing suit ever!

And hello most awesome swimsuit shoot ever, thank you "plus size" model! You are seriously WAY hotter than any of those skimpy retards they normally hire. Apparently both Glamour and Australian Harper's Bazaar finally caught on that normal ladies are hot ladies. Read this, it made me happy. http://jezebel.com/5203954/glamour-tries-not-to-make-a-big-deal-of-its-plus+size-model

Babies on parade!

Oh good god, Jezebel, you slay me! I thought this was going to be some social commentary on gender roles, but no, it is a rundown on last night's Toddlers & Tiaras complete with videos, stills and weird little Flash video thingies. [OMG!!! I made the moving picture thingy work. FUCK YES.] And it is funny. I did not watch the videos because I cannot tolerate whining today as I am doing more than enough on my own, thank you very much, but anyway, it's worth flipping through just for the written commentary. http://jezebel.com/5204031/this-pageant-boys-mom-wants-to-turn-him-into-a-little-girl

I am crying. At my desk. Mike can attest to this.

HOLY SHIT. They are going to use part of this clip on a new 30 Rock. They will not be reenacting it, they will simply be using it. He is an insane person. Also fucking hysterical. http://gawker.com/5203984/tracy-morgans-real+life-crazies-make-it-onto-30-rock

Watch out, the gays will eat your zombie faces, fuckers.

This is the worst. And the best. All wrapped up into one big ball of hate. Yay! Check out this Gawker post for the audition tapes of the ACTORS who are in the commercial... http://gawker.com/5204097/cry-laugh-at-worlds-dumbest-anti+gay-ad-auditions

Roar!

Yay for dinosaurs! Yay for comics! Yay for power ballads! Yay for this amazing shit! http://www.qwantz.com/archive/001441.html

Happy Passover, Half-Jews!

I mean maybe I am obsessed, but other people are too!

see more Funny Graphs

New obsession

This song: Thanks, Shawn

Wow

This is old, but I stumbled upon it in my day full of blog reading. This is by far the most harsh breakup note I've ever read. Wow, I mean, one night stands are one thing, but did the dude really need to say all that?! http://jezebel.com/311091/having-lived-out-the-fantasy-of-fucking-you-i-dont-think-i-can-date-the-real-girl

If Doogie isn't in the White House,

At least he can get married in Vermont. http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5hesb4aHbI1j_7LkIVzStq6u_hqbgD97DOPPO0 Way to kick ass, hippies!

I want Doogie too!

http://gawker.com/5202193/mr-kumar-goes-to-washington

Mullet Dress ahahaha

Business in the front, party in the back. It takes an onion of talent to figure that out.

Just in time!

Pat Kiernan, the NY1 local news anchor, is freakin awesome. He reads you the paper in the morning. Do you understand that?! He reads the headlines and important stories out loud on the television screen and also shows you pictures! Plus he is adorably weird looking and has a creepy voice and every single person in NYC knows who he is. Well, just as I am about to flee this great city Pat is coming with me: http://patspapers.com/index.php Phew. (Not that I have actually watched his segment in years... but it just feels good to know he will always be there for me.)

Fucking Awesome

I love it when things just start falling into place and suddenly "normal" becomes redefined without any fanfare at all. It honestly sort of gives me chills. I am a firm believer in the "make change with the "little people" (kids, families, neighborhoods), and make change with the world" theory. And this is sort of one arm of that. Make something normal, everyday, common and legitimate, and suddenly it won't seem so scary, so unusual, so outlandish, or so intrusive. Way to go Merriam-Webster. And way to piss off the idiots. http://wonkette.com/407091/dictionary-redefines-marriage-for-the-gays OMG Colbert caught on. Genius.

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Word's Worth
comedycentral.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor NASA Name Contest

Birthday List: Part Seven

Giant, nightmarish CANDY. http://www.vat19.com/dvds/giant-gummy-bear-on-a-stick.cfm?ADID=GRAPHapr09

At least I am predictable.

see more Funny Graphs

WTF?!

As per the website's subtitle, what the fuck is going on here? I actually learned the answer (look at the photo) and it makes the whole thing even funnier (at least to me). Here's hoping this kid is not traumatized. Yet again.

Oh, man, how did that happen?

Weren't WE supposed to get married and have cute kids?

Twitter is dumb.

But this is funny. If Odysseus had a Twitter feed, this is what it would look like: http://www.holytaco.com/if-homers-odyssey-was-written-twitter

That explains everything

http://freakonomics.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/04/03/if-youre-reading-this-at-work/ No wonder I'm so awesome at making binders.

This is stuck in my head.

Why? I don't know...

Cute.

Super cute. I hate them. http://cuteandcuter.tumblr.com/ From Sara.

Interesting.

This is when I love Jezebel. Read it bitches, so you know. So, I guess there was a bill passed (or about to be) in Oklahoma that gives a woman the right to defend her fetus, as she would herself, against an attacker. Some people were rightfully concerned that this would redefine a fetus as a living being (it has happened before), and therefore be able to define abortion as murder. Anyway, this bill seems to be pretty airtight (though I'm saying that as an ignorant person who just read a blog) and in fact never mentions the fetus as a human being, instead referring to it as a fetus throughout. Bad news for the whole abortion is murder lovers. Maybe you should go spend your time worrying about your own freaky little children... What is with the Midwest being all progressive and shit?!

Well, this is good news

http://thinkprogress.org/2009/04/05/iraq-execute-gays/

Recovery

Hi guys, I ate a lot this weekend. And it is well documented, which is both awesome and also slightly frightening. I also shopped way too much but have new glasses and new fancy sunglasses and new jeans as trophies, so that's nice. Also-- and this encompasses the last two sentences into one neat little bundle-- I discovered a stash of Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs at the Rite Aids in my neighborhood. I have been on a mission to find these fuckers everywhere and, as Jess can attest, the two Duane Reades near work do not have them. It has been horrible. Anyway, I stocked up on the eggs and am beginning to fear that my supplies are dwindling and will have to go back for some more tonight. They are like the best things ever made and a totally different experience than regular pb cups, which kind of suck, to be honest. I attribute it to the chocolate-peanut butter ratio. Others may disagree, but they are stupid. I wait all year for these, I am not kidding you and it really made me sad when I couldn't find them for so long. Anyway, problem solved. Off to work in the rain. This gives you absolutely nothing to entertain you, I realize, but it sure does help the fact that I had the compulsion to chat with someone this morning, and the people on the train are probably very grateful for this blog...

Happy 200th post!

That scares me. Anyway.... Here's a super cool video that I first saw on Gawker. Apparently the artist, Keith Loutit, used some sort of filming technique to make everything except the scenery look tiny. The results are really cool. Enjoy.
Bathtub IV from Keith Loutit on Vimeo.

Observations!

In taking a glance at past posts I realize that I have been using an extraordinary amount of exclamation points in my titles lately. For that I sort of apologize. I realize some people have an aversion to this over excited pock in the relatively bland world of punctuation, but I, myself, have grown to love and accept the silly little thing. Way back when I was a depressed and angsty teenager I would NEVER have been caught dead using an exclamation point, unless out of anger (so, let's be honest, I probably used a lot of them...). Now, as a pretty happy, mostly goofy adult I appear to have decided to let them tag along like my newly adopted sister or something. Mostly I think they are fun and make things much more expressive and I guess that's probably why they were invented to begin with. Very smart, Dead People, very smart! The end!

Take that, morons!

Yay for Republican-appointed judges who appear to be shifting to the dark side... http://gawker.com/5197623/republican+appointed-judges-keep-legalizing-the-gay-marriage (Look at the links in their post-- I am too tired to post them to mine)

Target: Women!

I love you Sarah Haskins! Also I love hamburgers! What I do not love is the fact that this fucker won't embed properly. guergneagerohmmoafeinoviow v te Here, click here. She is super funny. Even if her fucking link won't work. Let me help you understand that by sharing a quote: "Yesterday I went to get a milkshake and ended up giving someone a handjob!" That is what is in store for you. Pretty much you should just assume that nothing I have on this damn blog has language that is safe for work. The same goes for this video. Longest link EVER! I win!

Listen, fuckers!

Don't even bother reading this blog if you have never seen a full episode of Arrested Development. Seriously. I will give you a head start, but you are on your own from here... (Keep in mind that until you actually watch the show, half of these jokes are not funny... Jesus Christ, it's on hulu.com, you have absolutely no excuse!)

Why, thank you!

This is one of many examples of excellent (cunty) exam answers that have been "collected" on some website Emily sent me. Now, I do not believe in a million years that 3/4 of them are real, but I do find them funny. Enjoy! http://www.kontraband.co.uk/pics/16714/Funny-Exam-Papers/?gpage=3#show

BITCH vs. CUNT, Take Two

A few years back a bunch of us got into an argument about whether bitch or cunt is more derogatory towards women. That was fun. And led to this awesome drunken idea: Now apparently the youngsters (I seriously just typed "cuntsters"...) at the Harvey Milk School have sort of reclaimed the word cunt for themselves and turned into the best fucking slang I have ever heard. Pay attention here, Cunt = cool, awesome, excellent, etc. As in, "Gee, blowing Peeps up in the microwave is CUNTY!" Or perhaps, "Roger, you're so CUNTY, would you like to go to prom?" Or even, "Damn son! That jacket is CUNT!" As the dude who works at the Milk school and also wrote the article says, I wish I lived in a world where cunt only meant beautiful. But at least I get to visit that world occasionally. And damn is it cunty.

Seriously. Armegeddon. Not the movie.

Not quite a BWS, but this dykey fleece vest/child abuse contraption is certainly contributing to the downfall of humankind. I mean, the kid just popped out of your vagina, does s/he really want to reenact that every single time you decide to venture out to Park Slope? Seriously? Think of the therapy bills! Dinosaurs, is this what happened to you? First came the blankets with sleeves which certainly pissed off the T-Rex dudes-- big head, little arms, and long, long sleeves! And then suddenly the fancy Brontosauruses (Brontosauri?) had their babies all swathed up backwards popoose style on their chests with only their heads popping, each baby with a somewhat dazed look on its face that just screamed "HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS LADY?! THIS WAS AMUSING FOR EXACTLY 12 SECONDS, BUT NO ONE GAVE YOU PERMISSION TO STEP OUTSIDE THE HOUSE. LADY. LADY! LADY! WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING? Oh god, I'm never going to live this one down. Nevermind, I'm just going to curl up here and spend my time kicking you in the spleen and hopefully no one will notice the fact that I look like I'm in some sort of low budget horror film of the cerebral variety. Ugh." And then the T-Rex characters got all jealous and it was an all out fleece blanket outfit war and yep, you get the point. Lesson #1: Dinosaurs could have done better by sticking with bathrobes. Lesson #2: If you even think this product is a good idea then you are too fucking retarded to be allowed to have a child. And just kill yourself now so I don't ever have to run into you on the street and call Child Protective Services, because don't even begin to think that I won't. The end. Dan Matza-Brown, I'm not sure thanks is exactly the right sentiment I want to express regarding your link, but I've got nothing else, so, thanks!

WWJJD

When faced with the Real Housewives of New York, what would Judge Judy do? Let's find out... http://jezebel.com/5194344/comic-confrontations-judge-judy-vs-the-real-housewives-of-new-york

Late Edition

From Shawn.

ROAD TRIP!

Who wants to go to Montreal? http://www.stripspellingbee.blogspot.com/

Follow Up

If you were at all confused by the spider monkey reference in our Academy Award Winning short posted below, then let me present you with a really well-filmed clip of the part of the movie we were reenacting. Admit it, our version is WAY more entertaining.

omfg i have never laughed this much in my life

Ok, so I went to Sara and Matt's for tacos and Twilight tonight. That movie is freaking amazing. Seriously. I would watch it in a loop forever until my eyes turned red like the random pirate-vampire who turns good or something. (ROBERT PATTINSON YOU ARE SO SPARKLY AND CUTE!) Anyway... The three of us decided a really good idea would be to make our own version of Twilight, starring this handsome man as Edward Cullen : And this mysterious lady as Boring Chick Number One (Bella): This is what their passionate human/vampire/Mormon romance might look like (notice the moral tension between what they want and what they can't have. Sigh.): Focus, Hannah, focus. DRUM ROLL PLEASE! Presenting the world premiere of TWILIGHT: DOGGY STYLE!! http://sharing.theflip.com/session/45ae3ba36d3ab0259987bb9a28e6b05b/video/3612722 Please keep in mind that Ramona weighs just shy of 30 lbs and is not easy to lift. Making her seem as light and graceful as we did takes some talent. Just saying...