Feb 28, 2009
Citibank got scammed by a Nigerian money launderer, under the guise of an Ethiopian bank. $27 million dollars later they decide to check out where the money requests came from-- and the answer sure as hell ain't Ethiopia! (Although, as we all know, Africa is just one large country made up of third-world, blood-thirsty, ignorant Black people, so I guess, technically Nigeria and Ethiopia are the same place...) Nice work crazy Nigerian dude! I mean, while it's no e-mail from the Prince scamming nice Mid-Western grandmas out of $20, you still did a good job. Check plus. http://www.nytimes.com/2009/02/21/nyregion/21scam.html
Thank you Senator John McCain for twittering what much of the sexually active world (and Wilson House Smithies) were thinking. What this is telling you, people, is that Cletus [our unofficial Smith-dorm mascot, a taxidermy beaver] is totally hard to work with. And one hell of an expensive date. Or maybe he is referring to Cindy and her need to adopt (omg!) little brown babies without consulting him. Those painkillers and the beaver-laden wives that fiend for them sure cost a lot! http://gawker.com/5161777/john-mccain-doesnt-know-how-to-manage-a-beaver
I'm not sure why, but I think I am frightened by this photo. Maybe because he looks like he is climbing down from some Mt. Sinai-esque place with some sort of God-storm going on in the heavens. Maybe because I am sort of over the Obama=Jesus game. Maybe because Air Force One is painted blue and baby blue (why?!). Maybe because I just am, alright?! Leave me alone! http://gawker.com/5161842/obama-descending
Feb 27, 2009
Jesus is awesome, ironic, funny and fucking insane. Who doesn't need their very own cruxificion nail that reads "Sorry, Jesus"? [scroll to the bottom of the page] Too inept or hormonally challenged to grow facial? Jesus can help! This is a crucial resource for the failing youth of America. How did I not know about this while teaching?
Cube Craft Thank you Matt, this may have changed my life. I plan on creating an entire Super Mario Brothers scene in my cubicle. THIS is why color printers were invented. My mistake. Their original purpose was probably to print pictures of Jean Claude Van Damme, but a printer's work has evolved into something less purposeful and only slightly more crafty.
Dear friends, I will be moving to an unknown somewhere in August/September to head to law school. Coincidentally my birthday is at the very beginning of September. Also coincidentally, I would like to be receiving this around that same time. Thanks. Love, Hannah P.S. Please ship this to my home address, I don't think the mailroom would be too happy to receive it.
Feb 26, 2009
Discounts on tanktops to convicted wife-beaters? Now that's a good joke! The dude who did something about the unfunniness of that situation? You ruined any chance Chris Brown ever had of getting another endorsement deal. What kind of inconsiderate asshole are you?
Feb 25, 2009
I went to Alaska for my aunt's wedding when I was 8 or so. I spent the entire time on a mission to see a moose. I did not see one. But I saw many caribou and soon became obsessed with them. So obsessed that that October I decided that I would be a caribou for Halloween. Excellent. My mom borrowed the X-mas reindeer antlers from her office party planning committee and voila, an instant costume! All fine and good until I dragged my dorky ass to the neighbors' houses and every single one thought I was a reindeer (not sure if the jingle bells hanging off the antlers gave that away or what). That would probably be ok for other children, but not me! I would politely correct the adult every time and inform them that no, I was actually a caribou. They would nod politely and most likely make fun of me after closing the door. My caribou costume: epic fail. Alas, all this to say, if I were an elk (NOT the same as a caribou! Remember that, people!), this is what I would end up doing: http://www.thedenverchannel.com/news/18793588/detail.html#-
I am unclear on whether this is kind of awesome or so ridiculous that it is scary. (I think I secretly wish I had been there...) From In Touch Magazine, via Jezebel.
http://jezebel.com/5160137/no-happy-hollywood-endings-for-born-into-brothels-star A) This was an excellent documentary about a woman who gave children of sex workers in India cameras and let them be artists (and children) for the first time. In the end many children were given scholarships and much help to keep them either in the U.S. or out of the sex trade. Not all children took these offers. And the ending is a mixed bag of happiness and worry. B) My mom told me we were going to watch a comedy she got from Netflix. This movie is what she put in the DVD player. She is a liar. C) More importantly this is a slightly uplifting update given that many of the children appear to have stayed out of the slums and the sex trade and in fact have gone on to live "successful" lives. D) Except for Preeti. Which is horrifying. E) And the unnamed woman who appears who have disappeared while work for an NGO. Scary. F) Anyway, you should watch the movie. And worry about these kids. And maybe do something to help. (That is mostly a reminder to me...)
I love that every time I open my blog I see a picture of Kenneth The Page. I love him. I love that he is Tracy Jordan's work-wife. I love that he cares about vegetables. I love that he can clog. I love that he refuses to steal cable TV. He's just excellent. That is all.
For some reason this made me smile. Maybe because the kid was going to practice safe sex (clearly without a supportive parent telling her to do so). Maybe because the mom is fucking insane. Maybe because I pictured Sarah Palin doing this. I don't know what it was, but it's funny. http://www.fmylife.com/sex/126669
Speech Wars has tallied the number of times presidents since the late-1700s have said different words in both their inaugural and state of the union speeches. Check out the "word clouds." I found the McCain/Obama election speech comparisons really interesting. Freakonomics introduced this to me. And now I am sort of obsessed. Check out their discoveries. Like the fact that Obama is the first president to ever say "drapes" and "laundry."
Kenneth? Kenneth the NBC Page? Is that you? Jesus Christ, that rebuttal speech by Bobby Jindal is so dead-on that it could be one of the better 30 Rock scenes. But, sadly, it's not. Please tell me this man is just a shitty public speaker and that they plan on hiring him a speechwriter next time he is allowed to talk. Preferably one who is not an SNL alum. My mother was 4 months pregnant. I was what the insurance industry calls a "pre-existing condition!" How was that not written by Tina Fey?
Feb 24, 2009
This is freaking amazing. I want to know more. http://gawker.com/5159897/the-crevasse-awesome-legal-street-art
If I can look this good when I am over 90 then it will be a miracle. This lady is great. I cannot promise that the food is as great, in fact it looks gross. But I guess you certainly can't complain if you are getting hearty food in such a hard time. Anyway, check Clara out. I want her to be one of my many grandmas.
I don't care one bit about what this stupid ass article has to say, I just really, really needed to say Twat Waffle. http://nymag.com/daily/food/2009/02/confirmed_waitress_tell-all_de.html
So, there was an article today about how women and men see beauty differently. Also, apparently an appreciation for beauty means that our brains are more developed. The science people know that because ideas of beauty and art have evolved far beyond the drawings that cave-people were big on. I would like to challenge their theory: Velvet Paintings of the Day
Today I go to the Tyra Show. If she makes me wear a bathing suit i will kill her. You better be giving out free bikini waxes too, rich bitch.
Feb 23, 2009
I can't stop laughing. The Family Guy Christian Bale mashup is AMAZING. The best yet. By far. Scroll down on this ridiculous (and by ridiculous I mean horrible) site. It's pretty much only audio. http://www.worldstarhiphop.com/videos/video.php?v=wshhX0RxH0KLR222T4xW
I just got back from lunch. While out I learned about foot volleyball. That is a sport and is exactly what it sounds like: awesome. Please check out this ragey video if you do not believe me. It's like soccer, karate, volleyball and craziness all wrapped up into a package of super. foot volleyball
How funny were the Oscars last night? (I went to bed before they were over, so maybe the answer is no) I mean, really, it was the whole Hugh Jackman opening number that made me love it. The Craigslist Dancers?! Who knew Anne Hathaway could sing? The Reader. So funny. Watch it, bitches.
Feb 22, 2009
Feb 21, 2009
It's Saturday. I am at work. Again. I ate all of my leftover chinese food for breakfast. I feel ill. All I do at work is type in dates and times and bates numbers and peoples names. Over and over and over. It is mind-numbing. And stupid. And I find myself completely ungrateful that they have not automated this system yet and instead I am getting paid overtime to blog about how shitty my work schedule is. Actually, I feel a lot like this: http://www.someecards.com/upload/movies/heath_legers_potential.html
Feb 20, 2009
Check out these buttons. They are awesome. They include a lot of bacon references, and who doesn't love bacon? For instance, one of the buttons (in bright pink, mind you) says, "bady pony!!! no bacon!!!" Why that is funny I cannot say, but I can say that it cracked me up. Thanks Em for sending this along. Snarky McF*ckbuttons
If I were to meet a group of people at a bar while wearing a blanket I would wear the Nuddle. It exudes class. Also, it costs a shit-ton of money and that always means it is a good product. Like the Louis Vuitton of blankets with sleeves... But they still can't save me money on heating costs. Fuckers.
i am an asshole. my first crime: i looked at perez hilton this morning. my second: i looked at the graphic photo of rihanna's face, post-abuse, that was posted on perez hilton. It makes me sick, angry, appalled, i don't know what... not only about the fact that yet another woman (or man or child) was physically abused, but that some fucking douchebag at the police department somehow felt that s/he would be helping humanity or him or herself to leak a photo of a woman who had just been violated and was dealing with the further violation of having police cameras flashing closeup on her face and every bruise and bump being scrutinized and documented. it had me on the verge of tears that someone didn't think far ahead enough to realize how this would affect this woman... she survived an attack (an isolated incident? who knows, it doesn't matter to us) only to have the details of this made so shockingly public that she has no chance of ever being able to lose the label of "the woman beaten by chris brown." she now has the most intimate of moments-- when her guard was most certainly down and i can only assume that every raw emotion was exposed-- documented and made public and being passed around the internet. words are invasive enough, but photos inextricably and permanently link you to the incident. maybe that makes some people heartier survivors, but i sure think it would be hard for me to move from "victim" to "survivor" in my own head if a photo of my beaten face was public and free to be associated with me forever. (jesus christ, she hasn't even been publicly named as the "victim" yet...) wow. i'm done rambling. i don't hate the police. i seem to be ranting and raving about cops and prison a lot lately, but i do think that there are many, many good hearted and caring police out there. i just think that sometimes the world forgets that celebrities are people and victims and survivors just the same as the rest of us and maybe people (including cops) should consider that when dealing with a celeb as either a victim or a perpetrator. nevermind how they should deal with "regular" people who are also in that situation... *Gawker did it too? Really? Fuck you. Thank you, Jezebel. cnn e! online
Feb 19, 2009
Look! A soccer-y kid. He's all kinds of awesome. http://link.brightcove.com/services/player/bcpid1138375875?bctid=13432441001
Shit. I knew that these fucking things were going to lead to the demise of humankind. Are you kidding me?! A Snuggie pub crawl? What? Drinking while wearing a Snuggie/Slanket is NOT A SAFE IDEA. Nor is it at all attractive or logical or even entertaining. Go fuck yourself public Snuggie wearers. I hope you forget to wear pants and your ass hangs out the entire time.
These are just genius. If i were a middle school math teacher I would use these to teach graphs to my students. And they would look at me like I was insane. But it would certainly crack me up... List of The Day: Graphs of The Day *Ignore the fact that our blogs look very similar. This dude's blog is WAY funnier than mine.
It's amazing how often I forget that certain pockets of the U.S. still operate on incredibly traditional principles. This short segment talks about a man who deals in mortgages to the Amish. And although all kinds of banks across the country are shriveling up and losing everything, his bank is having their best year EVER.
Dear zits on my chin, I know you love my face lotion with sunscreen in it, but given the fact that I haven't seen the sun in weeks and it appears to be incubating your pore rebellion, I think it is time to purchase some new lotion. Please accept my apologies now and I look forward to not seeing you in the future. Best, Hannah
I like normal/different looking people; models bore me. This is a great idea: a modeling agency for normal, ugly-hot, distinct or kind of freaky looking people. I love how each model is such a character and that is exactly what they get paid for. Also, the best part is that the money these models earn will most likely get put back into the economy by buying such things as bread and Doritos, whereas the professional models are really only improving the economy through their abuse of rehab and the ATM fees they pay every time they take out cash with which to greet their dealer. I bet as this economy keeps crashing these real people will get more and more work, because who can afford Gisele or that annoying one anymore? Anyway, I think these models are amazing. And I love Freakonomics. And there you have it.
Feb 18, 2009
So, you know that whole gay marriage thing and how Prop 8 is protecting the entire world from flamboyant men and dykey women legally loving their "roommates"? And you know how if those craaazy gay people are allowed to marry they will probably try to marry dogs, cats, zebras and monkeys or something? (OMG don't do it, gay people! Monkeys do.not.like weddings. Seriously. They will eat your face.) Anyway, if the homos are marrying the zoo creatures, well, I was wondering if that would be my greenlight to marry Chuckles. Because I love them. So much. It is creepy. They are grandma candy. But I can't help it. Their name just screams fun! They are the perfect amount of gummy and sweet (just like a grandma. ha.) and it makes me happy that I unintentionally open the package from the green side every single time. Sigh. We have such a bond. It would be a shame to waste it. Dudes, all I am asking you to do is sign some fucking petition already so that Prop 8 dissolves, the gays can marry each other and their pets in CA, and I am free to marry the candy I love. DO IT. (I just reread "Chuckles" as Chuck, Chuck Bass. Who is probably more gay than all the chimp-loving homos of California combined. I have proof.)
This is the most disturbing photograph I have ever seen. I am confused about where the front half of her went. Her hair is wider than the thickest part of her body. I can't stop looking. Oh, I just noticed the caption at the bottom... Yay for amfAR! Kate, way to get someone who is nearly invisible to make an appearance! BTW this is from Jezebel.
Not only are video games about raping women an AWESOME, uncharted territory of violence, but now apparently President Obama is taking charge and raping everyone too! What has this world come to? Someone should probably resurrect some awesome racial slurs and fight back. Oh, thanks for taking care of that, buddy!
Right, so, I like numbers. And I like kids. This fun number-crunching graph tracks baby-names via Social Security Administration information for the past gazillion years. This is fun because your name is probably on there. Try it out: NameVoyager Through this website of genius I have learned that my birth was a catalyst for the great overpopulation of Hannahs in the world. In the '70s my name was pretty much non-existent. But, in exactly 1980 the graph takes a sudden hike, such that by 1993 my name was the 4th most popular girl's name (ugh). In conclusion, the statistics totally prove that this is due to my existence. Note: I would like to apologize for something. If I had never been born, the world might not have had to endure Hannah Montana and her shitty music and ridiculous show, never mind the fact that her father (Billy Ray Cyrus, in case you don't own a tv) has managed to stay on the radar for this long. That said, I certainly cannot take credit for the Jonas Brothers. Raise your hand if you predict a spike in the name Jonas in the next few years... (Oh dear god...)
This is one of the more touching, enlightening stories I have ever heard. It's from the "This I Believe" segment on NPR. It's a simple story: a cat wanders into a prison yard. The results are sweet, as some of the men take on the task of caring for the creature. But the most interesting part to me was what Chapman (the author) says about prison reform. If prisoners are humans who deserve humane treatment (and they are) then shouldn't they be given the opportunity to readjust to the act of loving, of caring when they have been in a cold environment for so long? Doesn't the notion of being able to care for something else often lead to a feeling of being cared for? (Is that a crazy thought? Maybe it is. But I think it is something that I believe...) That's my lecture of the day. There's a lot of talk about what's wrong with prisons in America. We need more programs; we need more psychologists or treatment of various kinds. Some even talk about making prisons more kind, but I think what we really need is a chance to practice kindness ourselves. Not receive it, but give it. In more prison related NPR podcasts, this TAL (This American Life) is amazing. The segment on Mother's Day in prison made me cry. At my desk. It was a really professional moment for me... Lockup Also this one. Hamlet in prison. Pass the tissues.
Feb 17, 2009
i got out of work "early" tonight. and this makes me happy. my all-time favorite video ever. weird russian-ish accents. horrible drawings. really, really bizarre topics. a man wanting to get a gift for his lady friend. do you have enough spinal fluid? is there a gerbil deficit? The Gift
chimps aren't cute. apparently they are vicious, man-eating creatures who really, really don't like wearing rasta hats to weddings in the 80s and instead get their whole wildlife sanctuary gang to attack their nascar driving former owners and leave them pretty impressively scarred. (breathe) chimps 1, humans 0. nice work, monkeys. http://gawker.com/5155341/attention-humans-chimps-are-vicious-nose+eating-beasts
I love this: Sleevefaces Of The Day A bag of candy goes to the first person to do a sleeve face for the following albums snagged from my ipod: Franz Ferdinand, You Could Have it So Much Better Spoon, Kill the Moonlight The Best of David Bowie Trick Daddy, Thug Matrimony: Married to the Streets (FUCK YES!) Go!
Please check out the first segment of the show ("Who's Carl This Time") and you can fast forward a bit to when they talk about Daschle. There is an amazing mash-up between Christian Bale and Daschle himself. I got a kick out of it. Enjoy! From Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me
If you are willing to risk the power of gravity, then you know you are ready to get married. Or else, maybe you don't have any nipples (or any shame). Super Slutty Wedding Dress, Ahoy! Child prostitutes, like champagne, add a certain elegance to any event, wouldn’t you say? http://tinyurl.com/6q8h8s
My friends have started ignoring the links I send them all day long. Someone told me I was a "FANATIC" and everyone else just thinks I'm crazy. So, in order to feed my need to share blog and news links, as well as random thoughts, this ridiculous blog is born. I can't promise it will be funny, interesting, or even updated regularly. But if you are bored it will certainly provide some entertainment. And that's pretty much awesome, no?