Mar 31, 2009

This man should write a book

This Richard character is amazing. In my head I think Rich, my Pot Psychology boyfriend, is the same as this Richard, but I don't think it's true. Booo. Anyway, here is Richard's weekly Gossip Girl recap. You don't need to know a thing about GG to get a kick out of this-- in fact there is very little to do with GG in there...

Xena: Warrior Planner

Welcome back, Kimmy. I missed you.

Not sure why,

but this is making me laugh hysterically. Also, this: (Thanks, Shawn!)

Birthday List: Part Six

Meet Scarlett. She is a fancy pants and wants to be my friend. She is a bad girl and I love her.

On the topic of rape:

I miss Little Dawn Weiner...

Here's some more art for you

This time it is more than slightly traumatizing. Also funny. Perhaps, sort of (morally?), NSFW?

Rapists, stalkers, television personalities, why not? This is old. But will continue to be relevant. Because obviously if you think people should be raped for wearing belly shirts, then you find it a-ok to send a producer out to stalk someone who doesn't quite agree with you. Well, idiot, there's been a bit of a backlash. Here's an update: Oh Bill, you had me at "put that pipe down, and get my pipe up." Such a romantic...

The BWS debate rages on (con't)

(This dude is like the Jesus of the blanket with sleeves community) This time the geeky, stoned youngins are taking on the challenge and with well documented scientific accuracy it looks like of all the BWS you could be wearing the Slanket kicks ass across the board (fuck yeah am I a good friend, Sara!). Ultimate Battle: The Snuggie vs Slanket vs Freedom Blanket vs Blankoat

The BWS debate rages on

Apparently all the conservative douchebags are doing it too! They deserve to be swaddled in nasty, scratchy Snuggies. In fact, I'm not sure I can think of anything more appropriate for Tucker Carlson to be donning.

Presented without explanation

Why The Fuck Do You Have A Kid? Thanks, Sara.

Mar 29, 2009

Apparently today is art day

Artists like dirt. Dirt likes artists. Everybody loves cars. What a happy relationship.

Birthday List: Part Five

Look at these really neat literal pencil drawings. I would like one or two for my birthday. Thank you.


Oooh! Ooh! The 3d art dudes did more! I want to see this in real life. I am totally fascinated.


Whatever happened to the California Raisins? They were fucking awesome. I had a VHS of them that lived at my Grandma's house in, perfectly enough, California. I would watch it every summer when I visited. I think I thought I was cultured or something as it was some sort of claymation mockumentary. Thanks to the wonders of YouTube I found it again. Some genius broke it down into three parts and it is f-ing amazing.

Mar 28, 2009


There is a flickr group entitled "Food Porn." Spend some time on that.

Dear JEA,

I apologize for not providing you with your requested entertainment. I was in a coma for much of the day and now I am about to go drink myself into another one while eating cheese and watching a movie. Tomorrow (the Lord's day) I will be at work and will certainly be bored shitless and ready to add some more posts. In the meantime I have this: Love, Hannah

It's back!

Is it weird that I have a HUGE crush on gay Rich?
How Long Do I Have To Wait To Have Sex After An Abortion? from Pot Psychology on Vimeo.

Mar 25, 2009

And I shall call you Shithead!

If you've read Freakonomics and/or taught in the South Bronx, you know this already: people name their kids some pretty ridiculous things. My favorite in the bunch has to be the example the Freakonomics dudes use where a family named their child Shithead (pronounced Shi-thead, or something equally special). Anyway, apparently around March Madness people get really excited about brackets. (Evidence: the meat bracket) This one is my favorite so far. Golriz has already claimed Velvet Milkman as her name. Just keep that in mind.

You know who I love?

Emily Sara Jenny Golriz Jessica and that's about it, since I'm pretty sure you are the only people awesome (and stupid) enough to read this dumb blog. And if there are others of you out there feel free to make yourself known and if you would prefer that I stop talking about bra shopping you just let me know. Let's be honest I will probably completely ignore you, but feel free to let me know anyway. In the meantime I wrote a song: Have I blogged lately that I love you? Have I blogged that there is no one else above you? You fill my blog with gladness, take away all my blog's sadness. You ease its troubles that's what you do (except when you complain because I am not posting enough because you are ruuuuude).

Mar 24, 2009

Celebrities Riding Invisible Bicycles

oh wow, this is funny. or amusing. or something like that.


Speaking of cleavage... Kim Kardashian, I recently learned that you may have slept with my boyfriend Ray J (I love you Ray J!) and you may have done it in a very public way. I will forgive you for this because it is probably super hot. That said, you look way better before Photoshop. I mean, your face looks retarded in both, but you know no one is looking at that shit anyway-- that's the best part about having giant tits! I think the masses might agree with that. Also, maybe you should try upping yourself to a DD+, your nip looks like it is edging towards freedom, and while Ray J and the rest of the free world have seen that already I have not, so keep it in your fucking unitard. Thanks.


OK. So some lady stole some other lady's identity so that she could get a new rack. They tracked her down because of her breast implant serial number. (HELLO?! Clearly she doesn't watch SVU...) (BREAKING NEWS: MY SECRETARY USED THE BATHROOM ON THE 40TH FLOOR INSTEAD OF THE 41ST FLOOR. I know this because she just spoke about it with the other secretaries in a whisper resembling a sea lion bark.) Anyway, back to the tatas. This post was interesting and turned out to be an essay about how much this woman hates her all natural DD breasts, and it reminded me why I love reading Jezebel. My only complaint: Sometimes I cry when I go into the bra store too, but I got a little angry at this chick for getting all upset about the DDs-- suck it up, bitchface, I've been there for years (and also completely unable to admit it)-- but I get what she is saying, trust me. And I am starting my post-children boob lift fund right.about.NOW. Go! The whole reason for this post is that I thought this one comment was quote worthy, and might actually become a staple in my gmail status quotes. When someone asked in the comments why guys actually like boobs, and someone else said that her teenage boyfriend had said something creepy about it once, this was the reply: I have found that young guys soliloquize on things like tacos, not breasts. They can get semi-incoherent when it comes to women's bodies, but tacos, well, such is the food of great poetry! I heart tacos. And, let's be honest, boobs are pretty entertaining too...

Geography time!

Dan Meth has a few more charts here. They are pretty spectacular.

Mar 23, 2009

Family Album: The Baileys

Have you ever seen "Best In Show"? Yeah, me too. It was pretty good, right? I especially enjoyed that Jennifer Coolidge. Her love of soup is always admirable. Oh, and the cute dogs. Busy Bee. Wow. Fun. Anyway, I can't possibly imagine how I got so off topic. Apologies. These are the Baileys. They are in love. With each other. And they have a dog. It is fluffy and white. Also they have some patio furniture. That's nice. They are a nice family. Sometimes on Sundays they take their Corolla out to the Sizzler and have a romantic evening together. Sometimes they even go to the mall. John-- that's the husband-- he likes to shop at Men's Wearhouse because they have some excellent end of season sales. Judy, however, is a fan of Macy's. She buys her lipstick from the Clinique girl there. Sometimes the Baileys shop together. Sometimes they shop separately. Sometimes they even bring the dog with them. But most of the time the dog just stays home and relieves himself behind the floor-length curtains in the den. They have a strong relationship because they love each other. They love their dog as well. Their dog however does not feel as strongly about his owners as he might like. Sometimes he loves cuddling with them while they watch Everybody Loves Raymond and and sometimes he just has a headache and isn't in the mood. That is understandable. This is a happy family. We know this because of their body language. Take a look. Do you see how Judy is leaning not just towards John, but over John, nearly covering his entire left side? Lately she has really been working on crushing his soul. Do you see how John has placed his hands gently in his lap, barely holding on to one knee? He has begun finding it necessary to guard the remainder of his manhood. Do you see how the dog is looking off into the distance with kind eyes and a broad smile? That is because he knows that tomorrow when John puts on his shoes he will discover the pile of shit left for him during the Seinfeld marathon this weekend. What a loving wife. What an adoring husband. What a sweet dog. This is a happy family. Now that we've dealt with that, be quiet please, King of Queens is on and I just love that Leah Remini.

Mar 22, 2009

Once Upon a Time...

I had started another blog. It was supposed to be all about candy. Because I love candy. This is how far I got:

Writing in Motion

This is kind of amazing-- basically a video of someone writing an article where it tracks what they write (and delete and edit) as they go along. It is mesmerizing. I learned about it on Gawker where they rightfully called it "porn for the literary voyeur." If it doesn't start right away, press play on top and it should start showing you the essay being written by paul graham:

horribly immature...

Last night I went to the Brinski house and we ate gumbo and red velvet cupcakes and watched Role Models. And I laughed so hard it was ridiculous. There are about six hundred and fifty five members of The State in the movie as well, which always makes my day. Also, I learned a little something about myself and realized that perhaps I would like to join a role-playing fighting league. I would like to murder elfin-like people with my foam sword and slice their arms off with my duct tape dagger. It looks like a good form of stress release. Suck it, Reindeer Games! I am back to being obsessed with Paul Rudd. Ever since Clueless I've been some sort of drooly tween fan and that is apparently in full effect. For instance, he can do obscenely unfunny (ok, actually pretty funny) things like this and I would STILL buy his sweaty towel to flavor my tofu, if you get my drift.



Just a reminder...

That this website exists still and is flourishing, setting off pacemakers far and wide!


I decided I should include a picture for my previous post "Dear JEA," because it was boring and lighthouses are funny. There are many lighthouse pics out there that are worthy and I started getting really picky. And then, when googling "lighthouse and storm" I came across this website of fun: Holy shit! It's a website that sells those moving picture things I thought were so amazing as a child and I continue to think are fun as hell now. I LOVE that those photos were serious. Also, does this one say "Poor Friends" at the top of it?! Oh good God, it doesn't say that. This is probably the tenth time I've looked at it and I just figured out that it says Pooh Friends. This person has both a moving waterfall picture AND a Winnie the Pooh shrine. I bet they run a home daycare business and also chain smoke while feeding the children Lucky Charms and generic Sunny D. (This is not coming from any daycare experiences I might have had. Nope. Not at all.) Amazing. Also, if you are unsure of which "moving picture" you might want there are videos at the bottom of the page to help you choose. You can look at the website all you want, but keep in mind "Words cannot describe the surreal type qualities of this beautiful picturesque serene setting!"

These are things I worry about too

Salt is what keeps those pesky Jews together. Christians, or lack thereof, are struggling because of this. Trust me. This dude attests to it, so it must be true. Jesus loves the entrepreneurs.

Mar 21, 2009


I have nothing to add. This is just perfect in so many inappropriate ways. And I wasn't even allowed to have students stand during class as a punishment...

Mar 20, 2009

Today's Passive Aggressive Note(s)

This: Led to this: Passive Aggressive Notes


From Indexed. Full of awesomeness.

Maria, Maria, MARIAAAAAA!

Holy shit. West Side Story is back on Broadway. I knew this. I did. But I continue to get excited about it approximately every time I think about it. I love West Side Story, always have. I can sing every single song and I could probably attempt every single dance (though it would look a lot like a frog attempting to do a pirouette). Sometimes I ask Papa Gold to please attempt to get tickets to this show because I have never been more excited about anything really. And he does attempt that, because he loves me. Except, shitty balcony seats cost $185 plus fees EACH, and he certainly doesn't love me that much. If anybody on Broadway actually learned anything from their show they would know that keeping the kids off the street and in a contained space would actually solve a lot of problems. Charging that much per ticket will certainly drive me to snap my fingers obsessively and hang out in a parking garage. Officer Krupke would not approve. The fuckers are driving me into a life of crime. I'm depraved on account I'm deprived. Anyway, here's a review. I haven't read it yet because I am lazy. But at some point in the near future I WILL see this fucking show. NYT review. Please read and report back.

Dear JEA,

While my lighthouse has stayed strong in this storm, I have been blindsided by useless, inefficient and pointless work. Again. I haven't even read Gawker or Jezebel in TWO days-- normally I am checking it every ten minutes. This poses a problem for the bloggy blog and hopefully that will be remedied today when I get rebellious and actually stop working long enough to eat lunch (because, really, is there any urgency to making binders? Who even likes binders?). Yum. Enough whining. Here's something for your reading pleasure: Behavior Problems.

Mar 16, 2009


You may have noticed another change to the blog. Yes, that is right, I found an even uglier template to use. This one really harks back to my childhood in a quaint seaside village known for its sea-captain's houses, its beach and its bird sanctuary. The little seaside village where everyone did blow in the driveway to the high school, went on welfare at age 19 and had extramarital affairs like nobody's business. This blog has now shifted course to really encompass the true values I hold, deep within myself, to shed light on the value of history, to emphasize the power of a simple lighthouse there to guide the ships through the passage at night and most importantly to make clear how totally fucking annoy it can be when you want to go to sleep and all you can see is the bright ass lighthouse lamp making its rounds into your window. Enjoy. P.S. My Hulu clips below were getting cut off, hence the change. Andy Samberg would not have approved. I was forced to take action.


Hi Folks, Here are some of my very favorite SNL skits/digital shorts. Hulu, I love you. Andy Samberg, I love you more. Mark Wahlberg Talks to Animals: A Day in the Life of Natalie Portman: The Classic-- Lazy Sunday Oh Amazingness-- Dick in a Box And my very favorite... Iran So Far

Lesson learned.

This is my friend Winnie's blog. It is etiquette lessons for subway riding. I think it is hysterical. Maybe that is because I am a cranky old lady who is not against knocking tourists down in order to get onto a train. Or maybe I am just a good old fashioned New Yorker.


This is what Sara and Matt's wedding could have looked like if they hadn't let us into the pool... Way to avoid disaster, crazy hotel lady who we paid off with a filet-o-fish!

My Weekend

I had this weekend off. It was lovely. I did pretty much nothing except sleep, catch up on good (crappy) tv, drink and eat a lot. Let's make some lists. Things I watched on the television screen: -Tool Academy Reunion -Lots of Big Love (if you are not watching this show then you are an idiot, plain and simple) -Blindness (I was incredibly surprised at how well they did adapting this amazing book) -The United States of Tara (yay for teenage gaydom!) -Some dumbass boring whale documentary Things I ingested that continue to contribute to my food baby: - Curry - Chocolate milkshakes. Plural. - Frozen Zombies. Plural. - Cornedbeefhashandeggs - Risotto from heaven. Things I wish I was eating right now: -See above list. I wish I was home in bed right now instead of sitting on my rolly chair with my newly disabled geriatric hip coming up with funny love children last names (i.e. if Blake Miller and I had a love child, then it would Miller Gold.) This is a fun game when you are bored and so is your cubicle buddy. He is not eating pancakes. That is sort of sad, as at least plotting his murder would give me SOMETHING to do right now before the deluge of work that will be arriving in approximately 41 minutes and counting...

Mar 15, 2009


Shocking news! Someone at the Vatican is behaving like a caring human!


Citing tough times, Haagen-Dazs claims it was forced to downsize its ice cream pints: they will now be 14 ounces instead of 16. But to rival Ben and Jerry’s, a recession (or even depression) is no excuse for less ice cream. The company responded to the news by reassuring its customers: “Now more than ever, you deserve your full pint of ice cream.” Thank you, Freakonomics for infoming me of this impending bullshit. I always prefer a good Phish Food to a good Dulche de Leche (that may have been a lie) but nothing can substitute for a delicious Haagen Dazs vanilla ice cream in my milkshakes. Stupid people. The Pint-Size Recession - Freakonomics

Mar 13, 2009


click on the link, fuckers. and then click on the links in the post. so excellent. Fuck You, Penguin: Secretly Fucked Up Animals Ruin My Day

Dirt on your stupid baby.

I could care less about this article on Jezebel: Baby Bath Products (blah, blah, blah). Seriously. The baby is cute, fine. But the number of icky things your baby ingests, gets scrubbed with, or touches in a day is ridiculous. BABIES EAT DIRT. They like it. Who cares about a few bad things. Moving on... The whole reason I am posting this is because I LOVE this one particular comment and it made me chuckle so I thought I would share: saintbernadette commented on Baby Bath Products Need To Come Clean: "This is why, when I have a baby, I'm just going to beat it against the rocks in the river to get it clean." The end.

For Sara

You Try Explaining Bankruptcy to a Kid

Six-year-old boy: Daddy, why's BurritoVille closed?
Dad: Because there aren't enough angels in heaven.

--72nd & Broadway

Overheard by: feygele

via Overheard in New York, Mar 13, 2009

Valentine's Day at its finest.

Also from Found Magazine. An excellent source of time-wasting.

They were so patient!

From Found Magazine

Mar 11, 2009

An inventory of my bed

my giant purse one apple me two grapefruits a bottle of water give me some cigs and some beer and i'm like my very own bodega.

Nice Work

Please read this. This person is amazing and I would hire them in a second. While this person does not have laser eyes or bear-fighting abilities, they sure as hell are "impressive." Here's a snippet. Click on it. It's funny. Your colleagues from other competitive firms have had a great deal to say about me; therefore, I would like to share with you some of their opinions. Alston & Bird writes, "your qualifications are impressive." Remarkably, Blank Rome makes an identical assertion. McKee Nelson also express this view but do not limit its opinion to my qualifications. Rather, it considers my "credentials and qualifications" to be "impressive." Chadbourne & Parke takes a different focus, indicating that my "background is impressive."

Your face

Facebook just gave me a talking to. I innocently clicked this video someone posted and look what it had to say to me: But here is a thought I had (it was SO Emma and Julia...): I know that God (and California) hates the gays, so I don't have to worry about going to hell for insulting them. At least I have that going for me...


I have a gay mom. I am allowed to call other people's families gay. That's how it works, bitches. Be as jealous as you want but until your mom skips out on your dad so she can go chow box, then you're stuck having to make nicey-nice with people's family portraits. Sucks to be you.

Family Album

I was going to do a whole rundown on this family. But it was too easy. Dad: Gay. Mom: Lesbo. Little Girl: Issue dyke. Little Boy: Homo. Want more details? Fine. Dad: His name is Gary. He appears to have his shirt and/or his entire chest on backwards. He is a youth worker. He likes man sex. He is gay. Mom: Her name is Melissa. Her favorite song is "Piano Man." She teaches preschool. She is gay. Little Girl: Her name is Meghan. She likes cookies right now, but will grow to care about things like vegetables, Tibet, and calendars with chocolate labs on them. She is gay. Little Boy: His name is Chad and he was born a homo. He likes the color blue and long walks on the beach. When he gets to college he will also like short walks in the park that lead directly to the men's bathroom. He is gay.

This is the funniest headline I have ever seen

And... it's Obama day too!

This one speaks for itself.

Happy Mario Day!

Here's a few more things: A scarf-- A cake or two--

Mario + Obama = Awesome Goombas galore!


I am so disturbed by this Brazilian-rape-abortion situation. THIS IS A CHILD WE ARE TALKING ABOUT! What is wrong with these fucking rigid, abusive assholes? AND THE VATICAN CONTINUES TO SUPPORT THEM!! They excommunicated the girls' family, the entire medical team that worked on her, and while they are unable to excommunicate children, I'm sure they would have if they could have. But, BUT, they did not excommunicate the rapist, the girl's stepfather who had been abusing her since she was six. Here is their reasoning: "A graver act than (rape) is abortion, to eliminate an innocent life." I talk about murdering people for pancakes a lot; I am lying. But I seriously think if I ever came face to face with the Archbishop of Brazil I would do anything I could to hurt him and I would do it with absolutely no guilt. Should this man ever have to experience a fraction of what that little girl went through, then I hope he realizes the power of his words. The doctor who performed the abortion makes a good point though, and it is the only upside to this story-- he is grateful the church kicked him out and caused all this controversy because it is bringing to light Brazil's abortion laws and the medical disasters caused by them. From Jezebel.

Mar 10, 2009

New Game!

I am so fucking bored that I have decided to go through my old gmail drafts folder and see what landed in that purgatory. I would like to share some of them with you. For instance, this: Draft saved Thursday, March 15, 2007 Subject: A play. After school group. Three students and a teacher.
Ms. Gold: Homonyms are words that sound the same but have different meanings. Like blue and blew. Or won and one.
All students give blank stares.
Jimmy: I have an imaginary friend named Blue.
Everyone nods.
Jimmy [jumping up and down, with absolutely no encouragement to continue]: He's blue. That's where I got his name. He looks kinda like one of the those mailbox things. Like the one down the street.
Again, blank stares.
Jimmy: And sometimes I put mail in his mouth for fun. Blank stares. [Annnnnd SCENE.]

This is a cute moment. Also, it is science. Take that, fuckers!

So, apparently some dude did a test in the '60s about self control and whether children had any. They put an Oreo on a plate and told the child s/he could have the one Oreo now, or s/he could have TWO Oreos later. And then the adult would leave the room and the child would be faced with the decision. Please watch this video. Please. (The original video I had up, that corresponded with the experiment is gone. I am seriously sad. But this is another version. Only with marshmallows (and jesus!). Enjoy!) And Radiolab does a short podcast about this and it is actually really interesting. Apparently the children who had the self control to wait ended up doing over 100 points better on their SATs and were generally better students and more successful adults. Here, listen: The whole time I was trying to figure out what decision I would have made at the age of 4. And I think I probably would have poked at it a bit and then sat there like a stone trying to survive the waiting time until I could devour both delicious morsels. I would do this not because I was well behaved or advanced or able to control myself, but only because I knew how rare it was to get my hands on something so illicit and processed. I am still unsure on what I would do as an adult, but that's a whole other story...


The blog looks different. I got pissed because the old template kept cutting off my cat picture. I think I might have fixed the problem by making the blog uglier. It's worth it. NO ONE FUCKS WITH MY CAT DIAGRAM.


My cubicle buddy brought in and consumed pancakes this morning. And while I have yet to notify him, I think I might have to murder him for that inconsiderate act. Pancakes are contagious, that is a scientific truth. Here are some other facts about pancakes. Fact: Pancakes are deadly. Fact: Pancakes are all I can think about right now. Fact: Pancakes are not a serious breakfast unless they have sausage with them. Fact: Pancakes can be eaten at different times of the day depending on local tradition. Fact: I will risk my life for their golden goodness. And, in case you were wondering, yes, I like waffles! (Thanks to Leah and Jenny for their quality factoids)

Pussy Petting (yes, i realize that is a lame joke.)

Just in case you are too embarrassed to become the crazy cat lady, you can pay hourly for that title:


Big sale at McSweeney's. I got excited and got a TON of books for 30 dollars. Just what I needed...

Mar 9, 2009


Whoah. These pictures are amazing. Way to go dude walking around LA with a strobe light! Walkabout (Sorry the pic above is so grainy... I couldn't figure out how to shrink it down without making it look funny. His pics are shockingly clear so this does not do it justice.)

I can't help it

I love this creature. He is a curmudgeon just like me! "Yeah, that's right, I'm an armadillo, and I'm inside your fucking bucket."

Homos in the house.

Here. Look at this. It's funny. Cocktail Napkins of the Day


Scanwiches. Genius.

Bookshelf spying

Maybe not a deal breaker, but definitely a turn on...

Birthday List: Part Three

I need this and I need it now. This baby monkey will not eat my face. I can just tell.


Roe vs. World from Jezebel. Seriously? The Vatican has done some fucked up things and I pretty much hate them, but really? This might top the list. This is not about abortion, this is not a woman vs. fetus situation, this is about child-rape, this is about a little girl's health, safety and existence. The Church's opinion has nothing to do with "preserving life," as they claim, and everything to do with being stubborn, inconsiderate and downright abusive to their youngest members of whom they should be the most concerned (hello, child molesting priests!). The abortion itself was actually about "preserving life"-- the life of the mother, the life of a child. Thankfully her family loved her enough to do the right thing for her. This girl deserves some care and concern and then she deserves to live her life without the shame of the powers-that-be in the Catholic Church on her back.

Teach ME a lesson, John Cena!

I think I have a crush on John Cena. He was on Wait, Wait this week and he is not at all an idiot. He can be rough and aggressive or he can be polished and sensitive. He appears to have powers of invisibility and also flying abilities. He's perfect. (We will work on the hair at a later date...) The best quote I have ever heard is from Carl Kassell when he says that John Cena will give the people who kidnap his girlfriend a "syllabus of pain" in order to teach them a lesson. I am a huge dork-- this just keeps on becoming more and more obvious to me...

Mar 7, 2009


COPS for Kids! from Sunset Television on Vimeo.

More Commentary

Oh. I want to talk a little more about sex and Watchmen. But mostly about sex. So there is a long, graphic sex scene in the movie (and this one does not involve a blue wang, though there is one of those as well) where two costumed characters make love [vomit] in a flying owl machine. That is all fine and good-- latex costumes do that for some people. But here was the issue: it was in Imax. I saw a person whose ass was bigger than my car fuck another person whose orgasm face was larger than the Domino's pizza I ate in my dream last night. Great. Big sexy car asses and pizza (with free cheesy bread!) doing it to a funky version of "Hallelujah." Hot stuff. And delivered in under 30 minutes, or it's free! Dirty Imax porn with 600 of my closest friends. I am either scarred or feeling pretty damn good about this. It is hard to tell...


The origins of "I want to go to there" explained.


Today I left work early. It is Saturday. I am probably being held hostage. A good kind of hostage that feeds me, pays me and does not attach electrodes to my genitals even if i might want that kind of thing. Anyway, my point is that I escaped long enough to walk around a bit in the nice weather, shovel some Pinkberry into my mouth at an embarrassing speed and also to go see Watchmen. The major thing I was left with after seeing this movie was this: BLUE PENIS. BLUE PENIS ON IMAX SCREEN. BLUE PENIS ON MARS. TOO MUCH BLUE PENIS. Wow. It flopped around on a giant blue man who stole Michael Jackson's baby voice and who had his very own electroded BIG BLUE PENIS because he was a super-dude who got eaten alive by electricity or something and now zapped his way into his girlfriend's vaginal department. And it freaked the fuck out of me. The end.

Mar 5, 2009

Brain Noise

I am obsessed with the sounds of neurons firing. Seriously. I think it is amazing. Radiolab keeps teasing me with more and more clips of it. This is the one I listened to today: And it's freaking awesome. Mostly because hardcore scientists are using Tetris and Alpine Racer to learn about dreams. See Mom, Dad was right-- Tetris really is educational!

Mar 4, 2009


This is a former students' Facebook status right now:
Lamar: --it's official. the internet can go to hell. So yeah, this is a kid in college who seems socially conscious and a generally nice. It's refreshing. I worked with some pretty amazing kids. My jaw dropped when I saw the ad. It should never, ever be funny. But I'm not going to lie, at some point it probably will be. I don't know how I feel about that...

Family Portrait

Everything that is going on here is a little creepy. (Is that a fucking wine spritzer on the table?!?!) Let's analyze in a clockwise fashion: 1. The Mom: Her name is Sandra (a.k.a. Sandy, Sugar Tits and/or Dee-Dee). She knows that even if her husband has gained 15 pounds, no longer appreciates her body, and has a thing for fetish porn, she is still hot and even if she is going to wear this stupid khaki skirt her mother-in-law bought her she is still going to rock her Sugar Tits at this dinner party and all you haters out there can go fuck yourselves. 2. The Dad: His name is Michael and he used to be an attorney until he got canned for his porn addiction (see above). Now he uses that under-appreciated creativity of his to design and build luxury doghouses that rarely sell and are also kind of ugly. He does not like pants. 3. The Grandma: Her name is Jackie. She wears a flask on her garter belt. And always dons some sort of floral print. Believes herself to be a MILF. Has always hated her daughter-in-law for ruining her son's spirit and also for refusing to buy him clothes anywhere except for the 7-Eleven. So what if he is a little "different" and has a little problem in the pants department? The least that bitch could do is get him better underwear. 4. The Child: He is most likely a boy, though even his parents are beginning to wonder. His name is Charlie and he likes humping his stuffed monkey when his parents aren't watching. His mother had an affair with Sammy Hagar in 1999, and though she is not sure, secretly believes Charlie to be next in line for the Van Halen legacy. He will grow up to write cryptic fan fiction, get arrested for beating up the Naked Cowboy, and become a manager at the Olive Garden at the unusually young age of 20. His breasts will grow to be even more well known than his mother's, coincidentally earning him the name Sugar Tits Jr.. He can fit two Twinkies in his mouth at one time. As his grandma reminds him, this will certainly come in handy later in life.

 I stole this photo from my new favorite website, Picture is Unrelated The commentary is (frighteningly) completely my doing. It's been a long day...

Hey Girl...

Fuck Yeah! Ryan Gosling! Also: Fuck Yeah! Anne Hathaway!

Things I hate, Part 1

-The phrase "screw the pooch." DISGUSTING. - Underarm sweat. Is that really necessary? -Also, my job. That is why my blog is lame lately. I apologize. I will fix that later this evening, or perhaps I should say early tomorrow morning. Because ladies and gentlemen, it is going to be one late night. Getting drinks when you should be working late on Tuesday night makes Wednesday not a happy day. Lesson learned.

Mar 3, 2009

We Can Honestly Say You'll Be the Coolest Tort-Themed Bicycle Gang in New York

Female law student: We're going to start a bicycle gang called The Tortuous Tigers. Male law student: Yeah, we can ride all over Brooklyn wreaking havoc and intentional torts! --Joralemon & Court, Brooklyn

via Overheard in New York, Mar 3, 2009

Mar 1, 2009

Oh Shit!

It's "No Cussing Week!" How the fuck am I supposed to express myself now?

More 80s!

I heart Cake Wrecks! And I heart Fraggle Rock!

Oh Good God

Now the real, "serious" media is picking up on this shit and making it look fun. What is wrong with this world?! Advocating for public blanket-with-sleeves (BWS) wearing? Bad idea.


Umm, there is currently an acid reflux drug commercial on tv and the medicine is called AxipHex. Great. Except, that the commercial people keep calling it "ass-a-phex." It is freaking me out. I would not take a medication called Ass Effects. There is already something similar to that, no? Doesn't it also go by the name Alli?

Birthday List: Part Three

Jenny suggested this for my birthday:
She is a good friend.