Apr 2, 2009

Seriously. Armegeddon. Not the movie.

Not quite a BWS, but this dykey fleece vest/child abuse contraption is certainly contributing to the downfall of humankind. I mean, the kid just popped out of your vagina, does s/he really want to reenact that every single time you decide to venture out to Park Slope? Seriously? Think of the therapy bills! Dinosaurs, is this what happened to you? First came the blankets with sleeves which certainly pissed off the T-Rex dudes-- big head, little arms, and long, long sleeves! And then suddenly the fancy Brontosauruses (Brontosauri?) had their babies all swathed up backwards popoose style on their chests with only their heads popping, each baby with a somewhat dazed look on its face that just screamed "HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS LADY?! THIS WAS AMUSING FOR EXACTLY 12 SECONDS, BUT NO ONE GAVE YOU PERMISSION TO STEP OUTSIDE THE HOUSE. LADY. LADY! LADY! WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING? Oh god, I'm never going to live this one down. Nevermind, I'm just going to curl up here and spend my time kicking you in the spleen and hopefully no one will notice the fact that I look like I'm in some sort of low budget horror film of the cerebral variety. Ugh." And then the T-Rex characters got all jealous and it was an all out fleece blanket outfit war and yep, you get the point. Lesson #1: Dinosaurs could have done better by sticking with bathrobes. Lesson #2: If you even think this product is a good idea then you are too fucking retarded to be allowed to have a child. And just kill yourself now so I don't ever have to run into you on the street and call Child Protective Services, because don't even begin to think that I won't. The end. Dan Matza-Brown, I'm not sure thanks is exactly the right sentiment I want to express regarding your link, but I've got nothing else, so, thanks!

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