Mar 4, 2009

Family Portrait

Everything that is going on here is a little creepy. (Is that a fucking wine spritzer on the table?!?!) Let's analyze in a clockwise fashion: 1. The Mom: Her name is Sandra (a.k.a. Sandy, Sugar Tits and/or Dee-Dee). She knows that even if her husband has gained 15 pounds, no longer appreciates her body, and has a thing for fetish porn, she is still hot and even if she is going to wear this stupid khaki skirt her mother-in-law bought her she is still going to rock her Sugar Tits at this dinner party and all you haters out there can go fuck yourselves. 2. The Dad: His name is Michael and he used to be an attorney until he got canned for his porn addiction (see above). Now he uses that under-appreciated creativity of his to design and build luxury doghouses that rarely sell and are also kind of ugly. He does not like pants. 3. The Grandma: Her name is Jackie. She wears a flask on her garter belt. And always dons some sort of floral print. Believes herself to be a MILF. Has always hated her daughter-in-law for ruining her son's spirit and also for refusing to buy him clothes anywhere except for the 7-Eleven. So what if he is a little "different" and has a little problem in the pants department? The least that bitch could do is get him better underwear. 4. The Child: He is most likely a boy, though even his parents are beginning to wonder. His name is Charlie and he likes humping his stuffed monkey when his parents aren't watching. His mother had an affair with Sammy Hagar in 1999, and though she is not sure, secretly believes Charlie to be next in line for the Van Halen legacy. He will grow up to write cryptic fan fiction, get arrested for beating up the Naked Cowboy, and become a manager at the Olive Garden at the unusually young age of 20. His breasts will grow to be even more well known than his mother's, coincidentally earning him the name Sugar Tits Jr.. He can fit two Twinkies in his mouth at one time. As his grandma reminds him, this will certainly come in handy later in life.

 I stole this photo from my new favorite website, Picture is Unrelated The commentary is (frighteningly) completely my doing. It's been a long day...

2 comments:

  1. A friend of mine had this as his profile picture back in law school. I was convinced it was his real family. Why does he not have his pants on in front of all of his relatives?

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  2. I think the correct term is "GILF"

    ReplyDelete